You can't force anything to stay.

I feel like throughout middle and high school I spent so much time trying to prevent things from leaving. I would change my schedule, take away from my time with loved ones, and morph myself to fit into a small box, designed to be neatly tucked away in a corner and look pretty. This never worked. Instead of a quiet observer from a corner, I was more like a swatted fly. Always a nuisance, always a bother, noisy, annoying, in the way. This cycle drained me. I would take out so much of myself to make sure I didn’t lose things, and it didn’t even work.

My first month of college I only knew my roommate. I woke up alone, walked to class alone, sat alone, ate alone. I was lonely but determined. I promised myself that I would not dull myself. I knew that if I started my old cycles again in college I would never stop. It was very hard. But during the time I was alone, I learned a lot about the person I am today.

My favorite color is dark red. Not burgundy or crimson. A dark red with strong brown undertones without a hint of purple. My favorite day of the week is Thursday because I can plan my weekend ahead. I’m more productive when I plan out my day the night before. I don’t remember much from when I was young. Some clothing scratches my skin. I love doing new hair styles. I miss my sister.

Sometimes I wonder how many versions of myself I’ve missed. I spent so many years concerned about what other people wanted me to be instead of what I am.

After the first month of college, I ran into the girl I met at orientation. She introduced us to her roommates. We all hung out and played games that night. Friday the 13^th was coming up and we wanted to get flash tattoos down the street. I left that night with that plan for the following week.

A couple days later, I reconnected with a friend of a friend from high school. She posted that she wanted to get a flash tattoo as well, but she didn’t want to go alone. I invited her to come with us the next Friday.

When we got to the tattoo shop, the line was down the street. After about ten minutes of waiting, it started to rain. Me and my roommate’s dorm was closest, but still about a ten-minute walk away. We tried our best to wait out the storm, but as the rain got harder, we started running. We ran through streets, uphill and around speeding cars to get back to my dorm. Screaming and laughing, we made it back completely soaked. We spent hours talking and laughing that night.

I just finished my first year of college. Again, I wonder how many friends like these I’ve missed out on. I don’t have to fit in a box. I can’t force them to stay, but I don’t need to. We show up for each other and we depend on each other. We’re not perfect but we’re us. This is all I’ve ever wanted.

- All my love, Emma.